


but now you're here (and I don't feel a thing)

by Paladin-Pile (UserFromPluto)



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Help Shiro Squad Assemble, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV Multiple, Sad lance, Tears, determined Pidge, hurting Shiro, keith is suffering because of Shiro's memory loss, sweet sheith moments, the whole team gets involved, worried Hunk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-18
Updated: 2016-09-18
Packaged: 2018-08-15 18:50:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8068729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UserFromPluto/pseuds/Paladin-Pile
Summary: When they reached the red paladin, Hunk was the first to react, dropping to the floor and pulling the battered, sobbing boy into his arms. “Keith? Keith, it’s alright. Take it easy, buddy,” he soothed, but the heartbreaking cries only continued.





	

**Author's Note:**

> A HUUUUUGE thanks to @lordzuuko for being an awesome beta and fixing all my mistakes! I'm so excited to finally post my first Voltron fanfic :p Title is from If I Could Fly, by One Direction

 

Something was up with Keith.

At first, his strange behavior went unnoticed by the other paladins, but as time went on, it became more obvious.

Pidge was the first to notice, unusually perceptive as she was. In Keith’s interactions with the other paladins, nothing was out of the ordinary, but with Shiro it was a different story. Keith would reach out to him at random times, a hand moving to rest on Shiro’s arm, or back, or hair, seemingly without thought, only to stop at the last second and pull back. At first, Pidge dismissed it as Keith tendency to be socially awkward, but something in the back of her mind told her that wasn’t the case.

One day after a battle, Keith approached Shiro and went to hug him from behind. The movement was smooth--almost practiced--and it looked as if Keith wasn’t paying much attention to what he was doing. Pidge watched out of the corner of her eye as Keith suddenly froze, arms hovering above Shiro’s waist. He blinked in confusion, then slowly lowered his arms, a flash of sadness appearing on his face. Quickly, he turned his gaze to the floor and settled for gentle pat on the back of Shiro’s armour, making the black paladin look at him with a quick smile. Keith returned it, but not before Pidge caught the faraway look in his eyes.

Now that Pidge was aware of moments like these, she saw them more frequently. Times when Keith would initiate a touch with an easy, tender familiarity, or move closer to Shiro’s side like he belonged there, only to jerk in some realization, pulling back before deflating with a lost expression. Shiro was oblivious to all of these, as were the others. Even when Pidge caught on, she wasn’t sure if the other paladins had since no one ever mentioned it. She was planning on keeping quiet about it until she could figure out what was up, and wrack her mind on everything she knew about Keith and Shiro. It wasn’t much.

Nearly a month later, she had just about given up, having gotten no closer to cracking the mystery even though Keith’s behavior had grown more bizarre. He spoke less, smiled less, and snuck more glances at Shiro that were overflowing with a meaning that Pidge couldn’t place. She felt the undercurrent of worry from the others, but none of them knew what to do other than try to talk to him.

Pidge groaned and dropped her head back on the sunken couch in the lounge room, resting her open book on her lap. Shiro was in a meeting with Allura and Coran while the rest of the paladins were mercifully allowed to skip. Hunk was fiddling with some sort of machine with Lance sprawled on the couch talking to him, and Keith was doing who-knows-what on an Altean tablet.

Pidge picked up her book again but was interrupted when the door swished open, and Shiro walked in. Greetings were exchanged with everyone but Keith, who was so engrossed in the tablet that he didn’t notice Shiro’s arrival. When Shiro realized this he smirked, going up to crouch behind Keith and ruffling his hair vigorously. Keith jumped and a breathless laugh burst from his lips, eyes squinting with mirth. Ducking his head out of the way, he swatted at Shiro’s hand.

“Stop!” he giggled, and the other paladins felt their jaws drop.

Keith was giggling.

The brooding guy who slept with a knife and smashed Galra ships with the flick of his lion’s controls was _giggling_.

Unaware of the mental crisis he had caused in his teammates, Keith continued protesting. “Hey! Stop it, Taka--”

The words died in his throat, laughter stopping with a small gasp. Pidge saw his shoulders fall, and for some reason, her heart fell with them. Shiro noticed the change and a confused expression crossed his face before his usual caring one replaced it.

“Don’t stay up too late, ok?” he said, bumping Keith’s shoulder with the back of his hand, and the younger paladin’s gaze fell to the floor. “We’ve got an early day tomorrow.”

Shiro looked up at the others, bid everyone goodnight, and then asked Hunk to come with him to look at a malfunctioning ventilator. Hunk jumped up and followed him, giving Pidge and Lance a bewildered look as he went.

No one said a word after their exit, and the silence was heavy. Keith turned back to his tablet, pulling his feet up onto the cushion and curling into himself. Pidge glanced over at Lance on the other end of the couch, and by the look on his face, he had seen everything. He met her gaze and raised an eyebrow, but she only pursed her lips, looking back to Keith. His head was down, hair obscuring his face, and Pidge noticed he was just staring at the screen, not having moved his finger for a while. The three of them sat silently, Keith in his own world while the other two watched. After a while the lanky boy stood up, turning off the device and setting it down.

“I’m going to bed,” he said quietly, not looking up. He walked away, and Lance waited for his footsteps to echo down the hallway before sitting up.

“What’s going on, Pidge? Have you noticed he’s been acting weird lately?” he asked.

“Yeah, and it’s driving me nuts. Something's obviously hurting him but I have no clue what it could be,” she grumbled, scooting off the couch and cracking her knuckles. “It’s getting worse and I’ve had enough. I’m gonna get to the bottom of this.”

Lance chuckled at her tenacity, but his smile faded as he looked toward the spot where Keith had disappeared. “Yeah, you do that,” he said. “He looks like a kicked puppy all the time, and for Keith that’s just... _weird_. He doesn't even make fun of me like he used to.”

Pidge snorted at Lance’s pouty face and turned to leave, waving over her shoulder. “Leave it to Beaver,” she promised.

  
Pidge’s confidence began to waver after several hours of wandering the castle with no sign of Keith. It’s was late now, almost midnight, and she had taken a short break to change into her pyjamas before deciding to check the usual places one more time. Rubbing her drooping eyes, she turned another corner into the dimly lit control room. Glancing around half-heartedly, she jumped when she spotted Keith in the shadows against the wall, his back facing her. He did not seem to have noticed her approach, and that in itself was cause for concern. Keith was always on the alert and in tune with his surroundings; anything else was a red flag for his mental state.

From her spot by the door Pidge observed her teammate. Keith had both arms wrapped around his middle and his shoulders were hunched as if warding off a cold breeze. His left side was leaning against the wall and his head was bowed forward and to the side, temple resting on the cool metal. He looked fragile and alone, and Pidge’s determination to help him grew stronger.

Ducking back out of the room, she wracked her brain for a plan. She doubted Keith would actually talk to her, seeing he was pretty tight-lipped about his feelings on the best of days, but she did need to get his guard down, and for that, she had a few tricks up her sleeve. It included fibbing a bit, but if it would ultimately help Keith, she didn’t feel too bad about it. Taking a deep breath, Pidge walked straight into the room and made a show of looking around.

“Oh Keith! There you are. Do you…”

The dark-haired boy turned around as she spoke, and this time her reaction was genuine. The words stuck in her throat when she saw his red-rimmed eyes, shimmering with pain. His cheeks were dry but old tear-tracks were still visible. It made her chest ache.

“Keith,” she murmured softly, moving forward and placing a comforting hand on his back. “Are you okay?”

To her shock, he bit his lip and removed an arm from his waist to wrap around her shoulders, gently pulling her close enough to rest his chin on her head. Pidge was speechless but recovered enough to wrap her arms around him tightly.

“I’ll be alright,” he said quietly, voice rough and distant.

Pidge’s glasses were getting squished on her face but she didn’t care, instead she pressed her nose into the thick red-and-white jacket.

“You know you can talk to us about anything, right?” she said.

Keith relaxed a bit and he put his other arm around her.

“Yeah, I know. Thanks, Pidge,” he murmured wetly, pressing his cheek to her hair for a moment before pulling away. He breathed deeply and then peered down at her. “What were you doing out here so late anyway?” he questioned.

Pidge looked away and crossed her fingers in anticipation for the white lie that was part of her plan.

“I can’t sleep,” she said. “Guess I just don’t want to be alone, but the others are already out cold and I thought…” she trailed off but Keith understood, humming his agreement.

“You can stay in my room if you want,” he said.

Pidge breathed a sigh of relief and nodded, grabbing his wrist and tugging him towards the door. “Let’s go then, I’m tired.”

Keith huffed in amusement and complied with small smile on his face that Pidge chalked up as her first victory.

The walk to Keith’s room was quiet but comfortable, and as soon as they were inside they crashed on the bed, not even bothering to change. It was incredibly comfortable, and Pidge cuddled up to one of the large pillows, facing Keith so she would notice if anything was amiss. She still didn’t know exactly what she was looking for, but the closer she was to Keith, the better. By the time she stopped thinking and closed her eyes, Keith was already asleep.

When Pidge returned to consciousness several hours later, it was courtesy of the hologram clock over the bed dinging its castle-wide alarm. A bleary glance at Keith showed that he was still out, but as the alarm sounded for the second time, he stirred. Quickly, Pidge closed her eyes and pretended to be asleep, keeping her eyelids cracked open just enough to watch Keith as he snuffed and turned over, eyes still closed. His arm bumped her side and he hummed sleepily.

“Mor’ing Takashi,” he mumbled, and Pidge’s ‘Important Information’ senses blared to life.

Her heartbeat quickened but she forced herself not to react as Keith sat up slowly and rubbed his eyes. He went still for a moment--maybe when he realized she was there--but without saying anything else he moved off the bed and shuffled to the bathroom. As soon as the door closed, she sat up, pillow falling to the floor as a million questions assaulted her.

Wasn’t Shiro’s first name Takashi? Why would Keith think Shiro was sleeping next to him? Or was it another person with the same name? No, that didn’t make sense if this incident was related to Keith’s strange behavior around Shiro. Pidge groaned in frustration and clutched her hair, searching her memory for anything related to the name Takashi. Suddenly, a conversation she had with Matt just before he left for Kerberos popped into her mind. As the scene became clearer, her eyes grew wide.

 _“Ugh, Shiro’s running late!” Her brother complained, “He’s probably saying goodbye to his boyfriend, closer than two space peas in a vacuum seal, those two.” He winked at the mention of his favorite food and Pidge rolled her eyes. “I’ve never met the lucky guy, but he’s the only one who can get away with calling Shiro ‘Takashi,’ so he must be special. Shiro’s sad about leaving him, which is pretty understandable, but they’re strong. Nothing’ll ever break_ them _apart.”_

The sound of the bathroom door opening made Pidge jump, and she jolted out of her daze to see Keith walking out, raising an eyebrow when he saw her.

“Sleep okay?” he asked, “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Pidge tore her gaze away and looked down to her lap, noticing how her hands were clutching the sheets in a deathgrip. “Y-yeah, I slept okay,” she stuttered, “Almost fell off the bed just now.”

Keith chuckled and snatched a brush off the desk, dragging it through his thick hair. “Well you’d better get up if you don’t want to be late,” he said.

Pidge looked up at him again but he was turned away, still trying to tame his wild bedhead.

Her mind felt like white static, unable to deal with this new possibility that _Keith_ might have been _the_ boyfriend Matt was talking about. She couldn’t know for sure, but if he was…it hurt too much to think about. Everyone, Pidge included, knew that Shiro had lost the majority of his memoires--both from before and after the Kerberos mission--and the ones he had were still pretty scrambled. He had never spoken of past relationships to them, and if Keith really had been forgotten, she couldn't imagine what it must be like for him. The more she thought about the theory in light of Keith’s recent behavior, the more it made sense.

Pidge felt sick. She hardly registered herself making the bed, Keith ribbing her for being so slow. He thanked her for making the bed, and with a crooked smile and a _‘I’m going to breakfast, see ya!’_ he was out the door. Pidge stared at the pillow still in her hand and shook her head. She had to get it together if she was going to be any help to anyone.  

  
*****

 

When Hunk stepped into the dining room that morning, he was surprised to find only Lance sitting at the table, sharing his food with the space mice.

“Where is everyone?” he asked.

Lance looked up, flashing him a smile before replying with a shrug. “Allura said something about us getting a break today. We’re landing on a peaceful planet for some repairs to the castle. Shiro is still asleep. Don’t know where Pidge and Keith are.”

“Shiro’s _still_ asleep?” Hunk asked in surprise, “That’s unusual for him.” He heard a bit of laughter coming from his left and turned to see Coran enter with Allura not far behind.

“Not that unusual, my boy,” The mustachioed man said cheerily. “I put some sleeping potion in his tea last night!”

Lance spat out his food just as Hunk gave an alarmed yelp, but Coran waved his hand dismissively.

“There’s no danger,” he said. “It’s all herbal. Mostly Valerian root, actually, so it won’t hurt him. Plus we have a few days at a very secure location with little chance of attack, so he can sleep as long as he wants.”

“Also, it’s safe to say he hasn’t been sleeping well lately,” Allura added. “I think this will be good for him.”

Hunk exchanged a look with Lance, who just pursed his lips and shrugged, picking up his now-empty dish and heading to the kitchen. Hunk waited for him and they walked to the lounge room together. Shiro was sprawled out on one of the sunken couches as they entered, and Lance chuckled softly at the sight.

“Shiro wandered in last night while I was watching a movie,” he said, “So we ended up watching it together. He was pretty groggy and a lot more tired than usual, so he was out cold pretty quick. Makes sense now, since he was drugged by Coran.”

Hunk smiled and shook his head at the older Altean’s antics, and took a moment to observe Shiro carefully. There was a peaceful expression on his face as he slept, forelock of white hair falling messily over his face. A thick blanket was tucked around him up to his chin, but his bare feet still stuck out at the bottom. Hunk would be lying if he said he hadn’t been worrying about Shiro, and he was slightly relieved upon seeing the black paladin getting some proper rest. He watched Shiro’s chest rise and fall for a minute, ignoring the voices in his head yelling ‘ _he’s fine, ‘Mom!’_ before flopping himself down on the other couch.

At some point the others joined them, and the room was filled with soft conversation, all mindful of their sleeping friend. Pidge was holding a strange alien fruit in her mouth while typing furiously on her laptop, and Keith...well, Keith was just sitting there--present but not really--which was usual for him.

 _Goodness, that boy is awfully thin. Maybe a good pot pie would...okay focus, Hunk!_ He had to admit he was worried about Keith, too. Not just because he needed to eat more, but because it was obvious something was off with him. Hunk hadn’t missed the incident with Shiro the previous day, and he was determined to keep his eyes open for anything he could do to help.

Coran left the room, saying they would be arriving at their intended planet in a few hours and he needed to prepare the castle. The others gave their acknowledgment, and some time passed in relaxation as they waited. Hunk zoned out while fiddling with a new gearbox he found, only slightly interrupted by the tail end of Pidge’s passionate conversation.

“Somewhere in the universe there has to be at least _one_ moon made of cheese, Lance!”

Hunk smirked in anticipation of the snarky reply, but one never came. Curious, he and the others looked toward Lance, only to realize the blue-eyed boy wasn’t paying attention. Instead, he had gone very still, staring at something with furrowed eyebrows and a pained expression. They all followed his gaze to the still-sleeping Shiro, who had rolled over and tossed off enough of the blanket to reveal his shirtless upper body. Instantly they all saw what had caught Lance’s attention, and Allura gasped slightly.

Shiro was covered with scars.

Not a tangled mess of them where you couldn't tell where one ended and the other began, but large, deadly-looking ones that wrapped around his body. Jagged claw marks and punctures lay in between slashes and the dark tint of burns spread like hastily-applied butter. Where Shiro’s neck met his shoulders there was an other-worldly handprint with only four fingers and _how does a hand even leave a scar?_

The room’s occupants all unconsciously moved closer to Shiro, pulled by an unseen force. Hunk found himself in the little semicircle that had formed around the unconscious pilot, frozen and unable to tear his gaze from the horrible sight.

“They had a healing pod,” he heard Allura whisper, hand on her mouth. “He wouldn’t have survived if they didn’t.”

Shiro made a soft sound in his sleep and rolled over onto his back, exposing more old wounds littering his chest. Hunk felt like he had swallowed a small warrior that was dragging a sword through his gut

The silence was broken by a choked sound and they all turned toward the source. There stood Keith, eyes locked on Shiro and a devastated expression on his face. His hands were clenched at his sides and Hunk could see him shaking like a leaf. A single tear rolled down Keith’s cheek and someone reached out to him, calling his name, but the red paladin didn’t acknowledge it.

Suddenly, Keith spun on his heel and took off running, clearing the couch in one jump out of the sunken space. The others yelled after him but he took no notice, feet pounding hard on the floor as he raced from the room. A terrible feeling settled in Hunk’s stomach.

“Come on, we have to follow him!” he cried, heading in the direction their friend had gone.

  
****  


Lance felt rooted to the floor, and for a moment he was overwhelmed with all that had just happened. They had all been shaken by Shiro’s scars, but Keith...there was definitely something else going on there. Their first priority now was to go after Keith and find him before he did something crazy, well, crazi _er_ than usual. He had just turned to follow Hunk and Pidge when Allura called out to him.

“The three of you find Keith,” she commanded. “I’ll stay here with Shiro, he’ll be disoriented when he wakes up.” Lance nodded and dashed out the door, shoes squeaking on the floor as he turned the corner and caught up to the other paladins.

“Pidge, did you figure out what was wrong with him?” he asked between huffs. Pidge’s brow furrowed.

“I’m not sure but I have a pretty good guess,” she said. “He’s probably in the training room. I’ll meet you guys there.” With that, she darted left down another hallway, leaving Hunk and Lance to fend for themselves.

The two boys didn’t bother talking, focusing instead on their heavy breathing and pounding steps as they ran through the halls toward the training deck. Keith was nowhere in sight and Lance cursed the red paladin’s natural speed. His lungs were already burning and they still had a few corridors to go, if they didn’t get lost.

His mind wandered. For all the good-natured bickering and occasional actual arguments, Keith was his friend and Lance couldn't help but feel scared for him. Keith’s expression when he saw Shiro’s scars haunted Lance. It was so broken, so pain-filled, like everything he loved had just been ripped away from him. The thought made Lance pause, mentally. Did Keith love Shiro? He must to some extent, but there was a missing piece somewhere that Lance couldn’t place. Spotting the training room ahead, he grit his teeth and ran faster. _I sure hope Pidge can fix this_ , he thought.

As they both slid to a stop in front of the door, Hunk tried to open it, only to discover it was locked. He and Lance crowded together and pushed their faces to the small window in the door where they could see the deck. Their still-panting breaths fogged up the glass, and Lance rubbed it clear a few times before they got a glimpse of Keith inside. It looked as if he had just completed a battle, judging by the limp robot that was taken into the floor. Keith wiped his forehead and activated his bayard again.

“Training level 12!” he yelled, and Lance choked. The highest level they had ever tried was 5, and that was with all of them fighting at once.

“He’s going to get himself killed,” Hunk growled, and yanked on the door again, banging it with his fist when it still didn’t budge. “Keith!” he boomed, “Keith let us in!”

“Keith!” Lance yelled, watching in horror as not one, but eight gladiators dropped out of the ceiling, along with the small flying orbs they had faced on their first exercise as a team.

“Oh no oh no oh no,” Hunk was muttering. “What do we do?”

Lance didn’t know. He was beginning to wonder if this was all a bad dream until a small flying body slammed into him, knocking his funny bone into the door handle. Ouch, ok so not a dream. He rubbed his elbow and turned to see Pidge with a panicked look on her face.

“What’s happening?” she asked, straining to see in the window.

“He’s fighting level 12 and the door’s locked!” Lance shrieked.

“Get out of the way,” she demanded, and activated her bayard, the triangular blade flashing to life in her hand. Without hesitating she sunk it straight into the thick metal door and began cutting out a large hole, but it was slow going. Loud clangs and blasts came from in the room and Lance was so jittery he could hardly stand still. He heard Keith’s enraged scream, followed by a terrific _boom_ that made the floor shake under their feet.

“What…” Lance began, looking over to Hunk who was the only one still in a position to see inside. The yellow paladin’s eyes were huge as he pointed at the window, mouth moving but no sound coming out. “What is it Hunk?” Lance cried impatiently.

“Guys...look!”

Lance huffed and pulled himself back towards the window, even Pidge paused her cutting and half-climbed Lance to see in. Keith was surrounded by gladiators, swinging back his bayard in a smooth movement, and Lance’s jaw dropped open.

They bayard wasn’t a sword anymore. With a bright flash it had changed into a long glowing chain with a ball at the end, swinging and swooping like it was alive. Keith did a flicking motion with his wrist and the chain shot out, wrapping around a bot and ripping it clear off its feet and into the opposite wall like a rag doll. Another bright flash and the bayard was a harpoon, shooting clear through one bot and tripping up two more before sinking into the wall. When Keith yanked it out, a piece of the wall came with it.

“How is he doing that!?” Pidge breathed, but Hunk shook his head.

“I don’t think he knows,” he said. “Keith’s never done that before, but I know Zarkon was able to make his bayard a bunch of different things during the last battle, so maybe it’s a more advanced paladin thing?” Hunk was rambling, distress clear on his face. “Whatever it is, Keith’s still not ok.”

Pidge went back to cutting, but Lance couldn't tear his eyes away. Keith was fighting with insane destructive power, the bayard a new weapon every few seconds. He was absolutely demolishing the bots and the training room itself. New bots kept coming, however, which apparently was normal for the higher training levels. Keith was outnumbered and was visibly exhausted, but kept fighting. After a particularly strong blast shook the ship, red lights appeared and an alarm began blaring.

“Paladins, what’s going on?” Coran’s voice came from the speaker near the door. “That part of the ship is sustaining heavy damage!”

“It’s Keith!” Lance cried, not bothering to hide his panic, “He just snapped and started fighting with all these new bayards!”

“We’ve got to do something…” Allura’s voice crackled, but was interrupted by a triumphant cry from Pidge.

“Finished!” She shouted, throwing away the large piece of door she had cut out. The three of them crowded around the hole and peeked inside, Lance voicing the new question that was on everyone’s mind.

“Uh, how do we get in there?” he asked, raising his voice to be heard over the battle noise, “He’ll blow us to bits.”

Keith was now holding what looked like a crossbow, shooting rapid balls of energy that picked off the floating spheres like flies. The gladiators lunged forward and the other paladins held their breaths. Lance’s heart was in his throat, but he could only sit there helplessly.

Time seemed to slow as Keith’s bayard changed one more time. It was sword again, much larger and glowing more brightly than usual. Keith swung it in a wide circle around his head and slammed the blade into the ground. Instantly a blue force field appeared and exploded outward, making the other paladins hit the floor to avoid being hit. The entire castle shook and Lance could hear Coran and Allura’s frantic voices from the speakers. When the blast had gone Lance picked up his head and peered into the room.

The simulation had shut off and pieces of the robots were strewn everywhere. Keith was on his hands and knees, clutching the hilt of the sword that was still buried in the floor. Light pulsed from it’s blade, causing large cracks to appear and snake across the floor. The ground tremored like an earthquake and Keith’s ragged scream sent chills down Lance’s spine. The damaged light’s flickered.

“Get the bayard away from him!” Allura’s tinny voice commanded, and Pidge dragged Hunk up by the arm.

“You’re the best shot,” she said breathlessly. “Use your bayard to knock it away.”

“W-what if I hurt him!”

“That’ll heal, but we have to stop this now!”

Hunk’s hands shook as he summoned his bulky weapon, aiming it at the exposed part of the bayard in Keith’s hands. He took a deep breath and clenched his jaw, pulling the trigger once. In a flash of yellow Keith’s bayard was knocked away and skittered across the floor, blade vanishing as soon as it left him. They breathed a collective sigh of relief that was soon replaced with dread as Keith slumped forward onto the floor. Lance lept to his feet and shoved himself through the opening, closely followed by the other two. Carefully they picked their way through the smoking wreckage and over the gaps in the floor. Lance glanced around in horrified awe at the pieces of shrapnel embedded in every surface, an acrid burning smell stinging his nose. When they reached Keith, Hunk was the first to react, dropping to the floor and pulling the battered, sobbing boy into his arms.

“Keith? Keith, it’s alright. Take it easy, buddy,” he soothed, but the heartbreaking cries only continued.

Pidge began to rub Keith’s back and Lance reached for his hand. It was slick with blood from Hunk’s blast but Lance held it to his chest, reaching out his other hand to brush the hair from Keith’s face.

“Hey, Keith, breathe,” he whispered, not trusting his voice. Keith’s eyes were screwed shut and pouring tears onto Hunk’s shirt. He was shaking badly and Pidge tried to coach his breathing, all three of them murmuring reassurances, but nothing seemed to help. Keith's eyes finally opened, staring vacantly into space, and there was so much pain in them Lance had to look away.

“I…” Keith rasped, voice breaking, “I promised to protect him.” His fingers tightened around Lance’s as another sob shook his body. “They took him away from me!” he cried. “They hurt him, they’re still hurting him, and I can’t do anything!” His eyes slipped shut again, childlike sobs causing a physical ache in the other paladins’ chests. Pidge pulled something from her belt and leaned forward, placing a hand on Keith’s head.

“Keith,” she said gently, “Please use this to show us. Help us understand.” She was holding one of the headpieces they wore during the first group training to project their thoughts, and Keith moved his head slightly to look at it. After a beat he nodded, and Pidge carefully placed the device on his head. The holographic screen came to life in a burst of static, and the other three paladins adjusted themselves slightly so they could see clearly. Keith was now mostly lying across Hunk’s lap, forehead tucked into the crook of his elbow, face hidden. Hunk was rubbing Keith’s back gently, Lance still held his hand, and Pidge was pressing close to his side.

Keith’s sobs had died down, and as his emotional state calmed so did the static, until the picture of his memories was clear and steady. It was from Keith’s point of view, and the first thing they saw was the side of a pillow on a Garrison dorm bed. It seemed to be early morning and there was someone lying in bed next to Keith. The view shifted again and they finally had a good look at the person.

It was Shiro. His hair was fully black and there was no scar on his face. He smiled tenderly, looking bright-eyed and happy and so, _so_ young. He reached out and brushed Keith’s cheek with the back of his hand.

 _“Morning,”_ memory-Shiro said, the sound trickling from the device’s small speakers. His voice was dripping with love and suddenly Lance couldn't breathe. The pieces were falling into place and he suddenly felt like he was intruding on a very private moment. He wondered how much of this Keith was willing to show them, but if he was alright with it, so was Lance. It was fascinating in a gut-wrenching way. He had wondered about their pasts after all.

The scene continued as memory-Shiro rolled over and propped himself up on his elbows, facing Keith. The sheets pooled around his waist and his skin was smooth and unmarred. The picture went fuzzy for a second as Shiro’s expression changed to one of concern, moving closer till he was hovering over Keith.

_“Hey don’t cry, Keith. I won’t be gone long.”_

Lance could feel his heart breaking with every syllable from that cursed headpiece. The words seemed to mock the broken boy shaking under his palm, and he wanted nothing more than to stop watching, but this was something Keith needed them to know. He forced himself to focus on the image as memory-Shiro grew closer, wiping Keith’s cheeks, then leaning in to kiss him gently. Pulling away, he pressed their foreheads together and spoke again.

_“I love y-_

With an audible pop the image dissolved into static as if Keith had forcibly cut it off. More memories came and went, flashing by at a rapid rate. Shiro waving through the round window of the Kerberos rocket, Shiro kissing Keith on the forehead, giggling and nuzzling into Keith’s neck, Shiro singing into a hairbrush and dancing with Keith in front of the mirror. The last scene was one they were all familiar with: a newscast showing the missing Kerberos crew. It lingered for a second, then fizzled out, screen disappearing and leaving the three stunned paladins with tear-streaked faces.

Keith lay perfectly still, chest barely moving with each breath, and Lance had to sniff loudly to control his runny nose. Wiping his cheeks with his jacket sleeve, he met Hunk and Pidge’s gazes, both looking just as stunned and heartbroken as he was. After a moment Hunk opened his mouth to say something, but froze when a commotion came from the doorway. Everyone except Keith turned to see Shiro stumble in, a bit groggy but clearly worried. His eyes widened as he took in the state of both room and paladins

“What happened?” he asked. Though he was fully dressed, his boots weren’t all the way tied, and Lance wondered how much he knew. When Shiro spotted Keith a fearful look crossed his face and he moved forward, but before he could get very close to them Pidge jumped up and grabbed his arm, pulling him back out of the room. They narrowly missed getting run over by Allura and Coran, who came barging in a second later. The two Alteans spoke over each other, demanding an explanation and a report that everyone was alright. Hunk sighed and turned to Lance.

“I’ll talk to them,” he said. “You take Keith.”

Carefully Hunk passed over the exhausted red paladin, and Lance held him close, leaning against the wall and pulling up his legs to support Keith’s back. Keith said nothing, but his fingers weakly clutched Lance’s jacket. Lance rested his cheek on the mop of black hair and never felt so helpless in his life. 

 

****

 

“I’m going to ask you a question and I need you to answer it honestly, even if you think you’re being selfish,”

Pidge was speaking with authority and Shiro regarded her carefully. Her back was ramrod straight and she held a no-nonsense expression despite her red eyes and tear tracks. Whatever she wanted to talk about must have been important, but Shiro’s head was still spinning, trying to make sense of all that had happened that day.

Apparently he had passed out on the couch the night before and slept in late, _very_ late, only to wake up and find the training deck destroyed and his teammates in various states of distress. He sighed through on oncoming headache and rubbed the back of his neck.

“Will this question help whatever it is that’s going on right now?” he asked.

Her expression didn't change.

“Maybe.”

He smiled at her persistence and put one hand on her shoulder. “Alright,” he said, “Fire away.”

“Would you want to get your memories back, even if they were painful?”

The question hit him like a bucket of ice, stunning him and splitting open the parts of himself he tried to keep locked away. “I…Yes,” he said finally, without a hint of doubt. “But is that even possible?”

Pidge looked away then. “I’m not entirely sure, but I have an idea. Your memories are probably not gone, you’re just not able to access them. If we extracted everything into a memory chamber similar to what happened to King Alfor and Sendak, I think I can modify the thought projector headpieces to ‘reinstall’ them in order. But it’s risky, you could go into shock or something.” She wrung her hands and looked back at Shiro. “I want to make sure you were ok with that before I try.”

Shiro sighed. “Pidge, I’d do anything to get my memories back,” he said. “Do you know what it’s like to live without them? It’s hard to make sense of anything, and I feel like I don’t know who I am. Yeah, I’m scared to find out what I’ve done and what happened to me, but right now it’s like I still haven’t escaped. They’re still holding a part of me, and I really need it back.” His voice faltered and he swallowed around the lump in his throat.

Pidge nodded but said nothing, only watched him pensively, so he dragged his hand over his face before changing the subject.

“Now _I_ have a question. What brought all this about?”

Pidge crossed her arms and glanced over her shoulder. Shiro followed her gaze to the doorway where Hunk was talking to the Alteans. They didn’t seem too upset, but what really worried him was the small part of Lance he could see further in the room, holding a still-motionless Keith. Some deep part of Shiro twisted in worry and reached out to the black-haired paladin, a pull so strong that he startled when Pidge finally replied.

“Something...happened with Keith and he went crazy on the training bots. We were all there and it’s under control.”

That didn’t really answer his question, but he’d take what he could get.

“Is Keith alright?” He asked. The look on her face told him the real answer, but she tried to reassure him anyway.

“He will be, I hope.”

Something nagged in the back of Shiro’s mind that maybe Keith’s state and the topic of his missing memories was related, but he pushed it away to deal with later.

Shiro didn’t ask questions when he helped the others clean up the training deck. The destruction was like nothing he had seen before and beyond all their abilities, but he said nothing. He didn’t stop Lance when he pulled Keith up and walked him out of the room with an arm around his shoulders, though it hurt that Keith didn’t even glance at Shiro. The black-haired boy just walked by with his head down and Shiro had to bite his tongue, the sharp pain hurting less than the knowledge Keith didn’t want to see him.

Pidge told the others her idea at dinnertime. Coran and Allura looked impressed and began discussing the technical details with her. Lance and Hunk shared an unreadable look and gave their best wishes, offering to help wherever needed. Keith stared down at his plate, clutching his spork so hard his knuckles turned white. Shiro could feel some strong emotion coming from him and his stomach turned. He pushed his food goo away and excused himself, missing how Keith’s eyes followed him as he walked away.

  
The next few days were trying for everyone. Keith was avoiding him as much as possible, and even when they did speak to each other, Keith never looked him in the eye. It hurt more than Shiro thought it would, but there wasn’t much he could do. The other paladins obviously knew what was going on, but for some reason they wouldn't tell him. He could see it was eating them up, too, and it only made him more determined to do what he could to fix it. He was increasingly frustrated that they were keeping such important things from him, and could only hope they at least had a good reason for doing so. Thankfully they were on a peaceful, empty planet and didn't have to worry about forming Voltron.

Interestingly enough, Coran and Allura seemed to be just as uninformed as he was. When he cornered Allura in exhaustion asking for help, she had told him that she was perplexed as well.

“All Hunk told us was that whatever happened with Keith had to do with his past,” she said. “He wouldn’t tell us what exactly, but it must have been quite traumatizing.” Her face fell and he tried to comfort her, knowing she was also worried.

Pidge and the others worked nonstop. There was a strange tension over everyone, and a strong, uniting desire to fix whatever this _thing_ was that was attacking them. It wasn’t tangible, something they could fight with Voltron, but something deeper. It was the circles under Pidge’s eyes as she stared at her computer screen, the drag of Keith’s feet as he followed Lance around like a puppy, head bowed. It was Lance’s strained laughter and the sad expression he would get whenever he looked at Shiro. It was Hunk’s scraped and cracking fingers as he worked tirelessly on the apparatus that could possibly put Shiro back together, and in Allura’s brave-but-heavy smile and Coran’s pacing.

For Shiro, it was emptiness; the feeling of being lost in his own mind, like in a dark city with no map. At night he would sit motionless, gathering the shards of his fractured self and trying to piece them together, knowing there were so many missing. The tiny fragments taunted him -- a voice here, a picture there, a flash of emotion where he least expected it. He tried to make sense of it, only to get lost again.

It was a losing battle.

So it was on the day that Pidge declared she was ready, Shiro was equal parts relieved and nervous. Everyone gathered in the room where Sendak had been held, in front of the customized chamber that was decked out with a formidable amount of technology. A cold sweat broke out on Shiro’s skin as he looked at the pod, and he wasn't sure the _swish, clang_ of it opening was from his memories or reality. He wasn’t aware he was shaking until he felt a hand on his arm.

“It will be alright, Shiro,” Allura said, understanding in her eyes. “We’ll show you exactly how it’s going to work. Let’s just hope it does what we want.” She led him to a computer that was connected to the pod. “Worst case scenario, nothing changes and you remain the same as you are now.”

Shiro nodded and sat in a chair Hunk provided, staying still while Pidge put little stickers on his head with wires that connected to their setup. Coran narrated nonstop about everything that was going to happen, a welcome distraction from the nervous anticipation that plagued all of them. Lance was hovering over Allura’s shoulder, watching as she made last-minute adjustments on the pod, and Keith stood on her other side, glancing furtively at Shiro every few seconds.

Finally everything was done, and they were helping him get in the pod. A fear that he didn’t fully understand crawled up his spine, and his breathing quickened. Two cold hands cupped his face, making him focus on a softly-smiling Pidge.

“You’re ok Shiro. We’re going to take care of you,” she said. “Extracting and reinstalling your memories shouldn't take more than a couple hours. You’ll be out in no time.”

Taking a deep breath, he nodded and moved his gaze down to the line of faces surrounding him. They were his team, his family, and the tightness in his chest loosened a bit. When his gaze reached Keith their eyes met, and Shiro was surprised he could read them.

_I won’t let you get hurt._

Something rumbled in the back of Shiro’s mind, like prophetic seismic activity. He squinted a bit, trying to unearth what was buried there, but Allura called his attention to her with the start of the countdown. The cover of the pod slid shut and Shiro watched Hunk’s face, now tinted a blue/green from the glass between them as the other paladin coached his breathing. His gaze flicked to Lance who gave him a smile and a tiny salute, before his eyes grew heavy and everything went black.

 

 ********  


When Shiro returned to consciousness, three things happened in quick succession. First, he felt himself emerging from a peaceful, trance-like state. Second, he heard the swoosh of the pod door retracting; and third, he opened his eyes.

The last one turned out to be a mistake. As soon as the light hit him and he saw the others standing there, the memories hit. It was like wall of force, a speeding train slamming into him from behind. It was suddenly just _there_ , all the missing knowledge that changed everything while simultaneously changing nothing. The weight of it crushed him, errant recovered thoughts pounding him mercilessly like a boxing match. Shiro’s knees collapsed and he pitched forward out of the pod, barely feeling the hands grabbing him, carefully lowering him to the floor. His chest heaved and he gasped for air like a drowning man, hands clutched to his head and shaking uncontrollably.

He remembered. Remembered cold chains, glowing eyes, and the roar of a bloodthirsty crowd, the cake shaped like Jupiter his mother made for his sixteenth birthday, the glowing cockpit of the Kerberos ship, the smiling eyes of Pidge’s dad behind his visor as he ignited the rocket’s engines, the sight of his own arm lying severed from his body. Everything. Everything he had been missing was there. It was all too, too much, and _how could he ever have thought he wanted this?_

Screams echoed in his ears, and he wondered vaguely if they was his own. He kept finding more memories, unable to stop them. There was flash of violet eyes and soft hands holding him tight, an all-too-familiar voice begging him for a promise to come back, and Shiro was hit with a brutal wave of nausea. He rolled over, vomiting what little remained in his stomach. Thankfully, someone was prepared enough to have a bucket ready, and by the time he stopped spasming his head was resting on someone’s knee. Gentle fingers were carding through his hair, and slowly, haltingly, the world came back in focus.

“Shiro? Shiro can you hear me?” a soft voice asked, and he opened his eyes to see Allura’s dress spread out on the floor where she was kneeling beside him. He blinked to clear his vision and tried to speak, but all that came out was a small, cracking sound. He gave up and simply nodded his head. Breathing slowly, he took comfort in the presence of the others. His mind was still spinning but the panic was ebbing away. After a few minutes he found his voice.

“I missed my parent’s 30th anniversary, I was going to call them from space...” He swallowed hard, mind feeling raw and somehow scorched. “Matt was carving this little wooden bird for Pidge so she could have something that flew in the rocket.” He laughed softly, “And Keith wa-”

He cut off abruptly. These were pieces of his life that had always been there but he had never seen till now, and _how, how could he have forgotten?_

“Oh no,” he breathed. “Keith…”

He jerked up and looked at his companions, all with knowing expressions on their faces, and he realized what their secret had been. He looked around again, this time more frantically, but Keith was not in the room. His heart sank and he found himself cursing the Galra empire like never before.

His legs were still wobbly but he forced them to stand and run out of the room. The others let him go without a word, knowing exactly what was happening. He flew down the familiar corridors, letting his feet take him to the places he had learned Keith spent most of his time. It was surreal, trying to reconcile the Shiro he was a few hours ago to the Shiro he was now, or had been before. In a way he felt whole, like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders and he was a young, fresh-faced pilot again. In his mind he had just returned to Earth on the Kerberos rocket, eager to run out and hold the person who meant the most to him after months (years?) of separation.

Weakened from the exertion, he stumbled the last few paces into the control room, where the huge dome window looked out over the universe. He grasped the doorframe to steady himself and breathed heavily, looking around the room. Keith was there with his back to Shiro, facing the window and gripping the small railing in front of him. Shiro stared, wanting nothing more than to run to him, to hug him tight and never let go, but he held back. Keith had been hurting for a long time. The thought made tears sting in Shiro’s eyes but he held them back. With a deep, trembling breath, he spoke.

“In the Kerberos rocket, there was a little spot where we taped pictures of our loved ones. The Holts had a picture of Mrs. Holt and Pidge. I had a picture of you.”

His voice echoed in the empty room and he saw Keith’s back tense. The red paladin still didn’t turn around, so Shiro let go of the wall and took a few steps closer.

“You never knew I had that photo, but I snuck it when you weren’t looking. You were playing with that cat that always hung around our dorm, and you had the loveliest smile on your face.”

He was standing behind Keith now, close enough that he could see the individual hairs falling down the back of Keith’s neck and remember how soft they felt. His hand ached to reach out, but he waited.

“Keith I’m so sorry,” he choked, “You have to believe I never stopped loving you.” Keith turned around then, eyes wide, but the tears were already streaming down Shiro’s face.

“Shiro…” Keith said, reaching out both hands and caressing Shiro’s cheeks. His expression was tender but awestruck, as if he could hardly dare to hope this was happening. “It’s alright, you’re ok.”

“You have to believe!” Shiro sobbed, clutching Keith’s wrists. “I missed you so much and I never thought I’d see you again. I don’t know what they did to make me forget, but I’m sorry! I’m back now.” Before he finished the sentence, Keith’s arms were thrown around him, pulling him close, guiding Shiro’s head to rest on his chest. Shiro hugged him back so tight it was a wonder the smaller boy could breathe. “I’m back,” he murmured, heart full and overflowing. “I’m home, I’m finally home.”

“I missed you too,” Keith whispered, tears falling into Shiro’s hair. “Welcome home.”

They stayed there for what could have been minutes or hours, holding each other tight while Keith rocked them both gently. Finally Keith broke the silence.

“I was so scared while you were gone,” he said slowly, as if there were too many thoughts to choose from. “When you finally came back...you had been hurt, and I felt so helpless.”

Shiro slid his hand down Keith’s back, reveling in the now-familiar warmth. “We have a lot of catching up to do,” he said. Straightening up, he leaned back slightly and moved his hands to either side of Keith’s head, fingers parting the soft locks. They shared a look before Shiro leaned in, Keith meeting him halfway in a kiss that sent shivers down Shiro’s entire body. His hands moved to rest on Keith’s waist, pulling him closer as Keith’s arms tightened around his neck. When they broke apart for air Shiro pressed their foreheads together, grin widening as the words that had been “their thing” appeared effortlessly on his lips.

“Shiro loves you, baby,” he murmured, and the smile that bloomed on Keith’s face was beautiful.

“Feeling’s mutual, Takashi,” Keith replied, voice holding a soft warmth that made Shiro blush. A second later Keith’s gaze flicked over the taller paladin’s shoulder and his smile grew bashful.

“You can come in now, guys,” he said teasingly, and Shiro huffed a laugh into his neck as several yelps and whispers were heard outside the door. Hunk was the first to peek in.

“S-sorry,” he said, hands rubbing nervously, “We were just-”

“Really worried about you guys!” interrupted Pidge. She burst into the room, followed by the other paladins, Allura, and Coran, all talking at the same time. They surrounded Keith and Shiro, who were still in each other's arms, not dreaming of moving anytime soon.

“Hey, hey it’s ok guys,” Shiro finally spoke over everyone, bringing back silence. “I think a very big thanks is in order to you all.”

“Seriously, we owe you so much,” Keith added, eyes shining with gratitude.

“No problem at all, that’s what we do for the Space Fam!” Lance cried, launching himself at the two in a bear hug. Immediately he was joined by the others until they were a huge, indistinguishable pile of love.

Shiro knew they weren’t out of the woods yet. A vicious war was going on in which they were greatly outnumbered, with no end in sight. They each had their own struggles, not to mention Shiro would have to deal with his trauma and adjust to his new memories. The difference now was that he was stronger, at last completely free from the Galra imprisonment. He had come back to Keith.

Their mission seemed daunting and impossible sometimes, whenever Shiro thought about it too hard. But in the midst of the group hug, he felt Keith fingers brush over a scar on his collarbone. A second later the fingers were replaced with a feather-light kiss, and finally, Shiro allowed himself to hope.

 

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr at  
> @utsukushin (main, Free! blog)  
> @paladin-pile (Voltron side)


End file.
